2019 Year of No Fear

My wife reminded me that I left a massive cliffhanger a couple weeks back as I talked about taking a plunge and jumping out into the dark this year.

I figured it’s probably better to put it all in a blog post rather than a Facebook post. That way I can give the whole story and not just all the great news. I feel like that is often the important stuff missing from Facebook posts. It just feels fake.

2018 was honestly one of the toughest, yet most rewarding years in my life and for our little family. We had some serious setbacks and short comings, but we also made some very serious commitments that will throw us on a completely new and wild adventure.

So, here we go, I hit a pretty big wall around summer time. My testimony in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints took a dive. It was a mixture of me feeling burned out from all the callings and demands at church and feeling almost no support, along with some personal and unrelated expectations I held as core beliefs. I found myself trying to reconcile my views with certain toxic family cultural beliefs that were completely separate from the gospel, but that I had subconsciously tangled together. There was a point where I just felt empty and tired anytime I thought about it. 

There were lots of late-night talks, tears, and some head-banging moments that summer, but Jenn and some friends really jumped in the mire with me and walked with me through it all. I found what I was looking for, and was able to reestablish a very real relationship with my Heavenly Father like I once had when I was younger. It was like finding an old friend that had been waiting for me all along. 

It was quite a peaceful moment when it happened and then…life got REAL, FAST! 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, we added Diane and Phionah on as more permanent additions to the crew. There were a lot of ups and downs along the way and some serious learning moments. The most adaptable people are Lily and Jack. The rest of us have had some growing pains and have had to tackle communication issues, trust issues, BOYS, and everything in between. The team dynamic is working soundly nowadays with the occasional challenges, but we are getting there! I don’t know if we would have ever felt this much peace about it if I hadn’t gone through my little spiritual crisis in the summer.

I bring up the girls, because part of bringing them on meant that we were in things for the long haul. It meant that we were doing homeschooling and that the latest we could leave Rwanda would be in 4-5 years from now.

Sooooo, while we were on a roll with making commitments, we decided to pursue a PhD in Plant Breeding and Genetics from Texas A&M that would allow me to stay out here and do my work while putting together research with World Coffee Research in Rwanda and Congo. 

I mean hey! Why not? Right? 

Well, that seemed like enough on our plate back in November, but then, December snuck up and bit me on the rear! First, I got called to be the District Self Reliance Specialist. I was actually excited about the curriculum and the opportunity to set things up in the branches. I was on a new-found spiritual high and wanted to get into the fray! Then, exactly a week afterwards, I got a call as I was coming back from the field that they were transitioning my position out since the project was changing directions. I had until January to figure my life out. 

There I was, supposed to teach people how to get meaningful employment after just losing my job. It really made me laugh actually...so, ya, it was a good joke from upstairs.

Surprisingly, I felt calm, reassured and ready, even with the growing demands and responsibilities. Granted, we’ve had a few tough moments since then trying to "batten down the hatches" before the storm comes.

At first, I was bouncing around trying to find jobs. I learned quick, fast and in a hurry that people don’t usually hire during the holidays. In fact, they don’t get back to you at all. For some reason, it didn't feel right either.

There was a lot of quiet contemplation during that time and we were able to do a temple trip that Jenn had actually felt impressed to set up back in October (not knowing how desperate for guidance I was going to be the end of December).

Over a matter of a few weeks, it hit me! I needed to start a farm management company. I could see it all in detail and knew that everything I had been doing the past three years was preparing me for it. I felt this fire burning inside me and really it hasn’t stopped since. I immediately stopped applying for jobs and started setting up my business.

Jenn knows I’m not exactly jazzed about being an entrepreneur, but this, this is different. There have been nights where I just can’t sleep because I’ve got ideas rolling in my brain housing departments. Those who know me well, know that sleep is sacred to me, so this is a big deal. There is a piece of my childhood that is just screaming for joy, just ready to get out and start farming, start researching, and get lost in the unknown. 

I could feel this nagging call for a while. Maybe that was why I didn’t freak out when I heard my job would be over in January, but even then, the call felt way off in the distance. Now it’s just around the corner (two weeks to be exact). I have seen the Lord opening one door after another as I’ve stopped doubting and put 100% into this venture. Do I know if this will be successful? Nope. In fact, I am certain will be baptism by fire with lots risk and failures, but also tremendous amounts of learning and growth along the way.  This is our journey into 2019 the year of no fear.