Charity Never Faileth

Near the end of my run this morning the answer I had been looking for came loud and clear.

I needed to go on a run, I knew it almost as soon as I woke up. I was just hurt and angry.  At some point I told Juan I needed to go on a run and he quickly agreed, but I just wouldn’t go. I don’t like running. I hate feeling tired and breathless, especially here. I hate it when people just stand there and stare at me! Arghh! they lean close together and I can almost hear them say “eh, do you see that white girl over there? She’s running! Eh, she’s crazy. Let’s watch her.” 

It’s only funny when it isn’t happening to you! But the morning was going downhill fast so, leaving Lily with Juan, Jack with Diane, I left for my run.

Betrayal

Sister time

So what was this run all about? Well, I feel like every time I get betrayed I seem to remember major moments of betrayal in my life all over again. What the heck is up with that? 

Most of us have felt betrayed at some point in our lives. It’s painful, confusing and simply said, it’s wrong.

I went to bed last night after learning someone had gone behind my back and then acted like they had done nothing. Someone who had I reached out to, to try and have a civil relationship with after they had already betrayed me before. Well, I got hurt. I spent part of the night trying to process that. I got nowhere. 

I tried to take comfort in knowing that I have good friends and wonderful sisters. It still didn’t take away from the pain and disappointment.

Running Thoughts

Picture colored by the ladies at church

Juan and I joke that my runs are where I find clarity, I can burn off some of the excess negative emotions and find answers. I thought about the ladies at church I serve and how I can’t expect them to give love to each other through ministering, until they feel loved themselves. I need to love them more. This last Sunday for the first time I greeted every single one of them as they came into class (many of them with a hug). I’m going to do that from now on. Other preparations for class, or anything else will have to be done before or after, but love and welcoming needs to be the priority. I will help them love by loving them more.

I thought about my hair. Some people know how I ended up with short hair; most don’t. But what I want to share here is, when it happened I felt loss, regret, anger, and resentment. However, when I looked in the mirror, even with all these feelings I couldn’t help but think it wasn’t that bad! Cutting my hair has made me free. To me it’s more than just a style change, it is me cutting off the security of what I once knew and realizing it’s going to be ok. In fact, It’s better than before. I can have confidence in being me without relying on external factors. Sometimes there are changes in life and we need to morn the loss and then keep going. Sometimes it’s even better than before.

Me and my sister Mara

I thought about my sisters and how even though we are different and have different relationships with each other, we do our best to love and be there for each other, especially in hard moments. 

Lastly, I thought about that girl that hurt me. I’m the type of person that keeps trying with people. You know that stalker girl that won’t go away when you’re trying to breakup with her, but not because I’m a stalker, but because I haven’t been told directly that it’s over. Or worse, I’ve been told it isn’t over and we’re still in a relationship, but you know the relationship needs to end. And so, I keep trying. IN FACT, one guy I was dating tried this tactic (dating is a mess for most people, so no judging) he was busy that night so I decided to drop something off at his place as a surprise…awkward moment showing up in the middle of him cuddling with another lady.  See, I Just need to be told. Anyway, with girlfriend here, I keep trying and finally I realized today on my run, I don’t need to. I can just be me. I can be kind and cordial, I don’t need to be victimized and think I deserve something for my efforts, but I also don’t need to invite her into my life to keep getting hurt.  

The answers to so many of my stresses today comes down to “charity never faileth”. I can love that girl without having to interact with her simply by wishing her well in my heart. I can teach love by example to the ladies I teach at church, and I can love myself even through refinement and change.  On my way back home I waved to those who stared, moved around those taking the whole sidewalk and took courage knowing it was going to be ok, and the answer most times is love.