The Mommy Wars
Most of us have heard of them and some of us have been in them, but I do declare, There may be a hidden war we mommies are quite frankly, failing to address. In this war, all mommies are engaged...
From the moment I joined the mommy club other moms wanted to give me advice about everything from breastfeeding to picking the right name for my child. Hated it. Of course, at the end of the day they weren't giving advice because they felt I was inept. It was because when we learn something that works for us we want to save others the hassle and impart our wisdom. Truly, it comes from the heart. At least, most times. And of course, being new, yet very independent, I wanted to give things a try on my own before I got any help from anyone else.
I learned that there were "sides" and major choices to be made. Work or not to work, pre-k or baby Einstein, cloth or disposable? At the end of the day mommies will pick what they find works for them and their families, they might disagree with other mommies, but really, they just want to help. Queue the real mommy wars.
The real fight isn't with other mommies! It's the inner battle, the poop, spit-up, and demands of being a mommy. It all adds up with a self-evaluation at the end of the day.
Now, not all moms fight this inner battle all the time, but I'm willing to bet most moms struggle with one or two of these skirmishes on any given day.
Inadequacy
Favorite advice tip "listen to all their advice, but when the time comes, throw it out and follow your instincts."
One of the main reasons I didn't like getting advice on what to do and how to do it as a mom was because secretly, I already questioned if I could do it, but I desperately wanted to try it and see what came naturally. This isn't the same for every mom out there, but every time someone wanted to give their two cents, I was reminded that I had no idea what I was in for. I felt my insecurity. Like I said, this doesn't happen to everyone the same, but I think at some point or another we all realize our own shortcomings that may hint that we are inadequate for the job. These thoughts should immediately be nipped in the bud!
We are adequate. Some work, some stay home, and others are somewhere in the middle. Regardless, that isn't the real issue. The real issue is how we feel about ourselves at the end of the day.
There are days I know I could have done something better as a mom. Does this mean I'm not up to par? Not necessarily, but it means I learned something. And maybe I need to change something. I can swallow that pill.
We MAY need help at times. I had to learn to recognize things that made me question myself and some things I had to fix, other things I had to let go. Let's not question our adequacy.
There is a reason why these little people came to each of us. Some of us have had to choose to give up children because of circumstance, and others of us have had to be a lone mom doing it all. Most of us are doing the best that we can with what we know.
The real war isn't proving ourselves to other mommies but loving (and sometimes improving) ourselves for ourselves and our children.
Loneliness
Regardless of if you are at home, work or between, the truth is, there is only one of you, and you are the only one who knows what you feel. (If you are religious you have the Lord too but he can't transfer those feelings to friends or spouses). But that's the best part of being friends with other mommies! While there's this big to-do about mommy wars between mommies, one of the most bolstering and encouraging community you may ever find will be with other mommies. And even if they don't know exactly how we feel, we don't have to feel it alone.
The real war isn't with other mommies, it's letting go of judgements and loving other mommies.
Girls night out? Here I come! :)
Never Ending Laundry
'Nuff said, sometimes we have to let it go for a day ;)
The real war isn't winning the "I can do everything" mommy award, it's making it through the day.
Poop, Spit-up and Other
My son wet the bed last night. It would have been fine except he was on my bed, laying in front of me while I changed his diaper. It got everywhere, on me, him and the bed.
Everyone Poops just doesn't give justice to baby poop, or diapers at all. And let's get real, a lot of this glamorous job involves excrement outside the diaper...on clothes, floors, beds, and everything that might be found in the house, car or local store. How many times do I just rub off what Jack has spit-up and convince myself that it never happened? Oh... everyday. It doesn't end there, then there is potty training.
Then again trying to get food in a child can be a daunting task in and of itself. Despite what is going in, coming out, or the nasty stuff they are playing in, we mommies seem to find the courage to deal with just about anything and all because it is OUR child.
One of my favorite blogs is written by a mom who's daughter has autism. She posted once about her struggle between looking good to other mommies and treating her child the same in public as she would at home during a melt down. In short, she came to the conclusion that she had to care less about what other mommies thought. In the desire to look like a parent in control of her child she treated her daughter differently than she normally would and it actually hindered her progress. She changed that and found she was a much happier and effective mom.
In conclusion the real war isn't looking like a good mommy, it's being a good mommy.
*WARNING*
To be taken with a grain of salt. There are mothers and fathers out there struggling, who may be abusive either it be intentional or unintentional. In those cases we ought to step in. Be wise.
Good Luck in the mommy wars!
From the moment I joined the mommy club other moms wanted to give me advice about everything from breastfeeding to picking the right name for my child. Hated it. Of course, at the end of the day they weren't giving advice because they felt I was inept. It was because when we learn something that works for us we want to save others the hassle and impart our wisdom. Truly, it comes from the heart. At least, most times. And of course, being new, yet very independent, I wanted to give things a try on my own before I got any help from anyone else.
I learned that there were "sides" and major choices to be made. Work or not to work, pre-k or baby Einstein, cloth or disposable? At the end of the day mommies will pick what they find works for them and their families, they might disagree with other mommies, but really, they just want to help. Queue the real mommy wars.
The real fight isn't with other mommies! It's the inner battle, the poop, spit-up, and demands of being a mommy. It all adds up with a self-evaluation at the end of the day.
Now, not all moms fight this inner battle all the time, but I'm willing to bet most moms struggle with one or two of these skirmishes on any given day.
Inadequacy
Favorite advice tip "listen to all their advice, but when the time comes, throw it out and follow your instincts."
One of the main reasons I didn't like getting advice on what to do and how to do it as a mom was because secretly, I already questioned if I could do it, but I desperately wanted to try it and see what came naturally. This isn't the same for every mom out there, but every time someone wanted to give their two cents, I was reminded that I had no idea what I was in for. I felt my insecurity. Like I said, this doesn't happen to everyone the same, but I think at some point or another we all realize our own shortcomings that may hint that we are inadequate for the job. These thoughts should immediately be nipped in the bud!
We are adequate. Some work, some stay home, and others are somewhere in the middle. Regardless, that isn't the real issue. The real issue is how we feel about ourselves at the end of the day.
There are days I know I could have done something better as a mom. Does this mean I'm not up to par? Not necessarily, but it means I learned something. And maybe I need to change something. I can swallow that pill.
We MAY need help at times. I had to learn to recognize things that made me question myself and some things I had to fix, other things I had to let go. Let's not question our adequacy.
There is a reason why these little people came to each of us. Some of us have had to choose to give up children because of circumstance, and others of us have had to be a lone mom doing it all. Most of us are doing the best that we can with what we know.
The real war isn't proving ourselves to other mommies but loving (and sometimes improving) ourselves for ourselves and our children.
Loneliness
Regardless of if you are at home, work or between, the truth is, there is only one of you, and you are the only one who knows what you feel. (If you are religious you have the Lord too but he can't transfer those feelings to friends or spouses). But that's the best part of being friends with other mommies! While there's this big to-do about mommy wars between mommies, one of the most bolstering and encouraging community you may ever find will be with other mommies. And even if they don't know exactly how we feel, we don't have to feel it alone.
The real war isn't with other mommies, it's letting go of judgements and loving other mommies.
Girls night out? Here I come! :)
Never Ending Laundry
'Nuff said, sometimes we have to let it go for a day ;)
The real war isn't winning the "I can do everything" mommy award, it's making it through the day.
Poop, Spit-up and Other
My son wet the bed last night. It would have been fine except he was on my bed, laying in front of me while I changed his diaper. It got everywhere, on me, him and the bed.
Everyone Poops just doesn't give justice to baby poop, or diapers at all. And let's get real, a lot of this glamorous job involves excrement outside the diaper...on clothes, floors, beds, and everything that might be found in the house, car or local store. How many times do I just rub off what Jack has spit-up and convince myself that it never happened? Oh... everyday. It doesn't end there, then there is potty training.
Then again trying to get food in a child can be a daunting task in and of itself. Despite what is going in, coming out, or the nasty stuff they are playing in, we mommies seem to find the courage to deal with just about anything and all because it is OUR child.
One of my favorite blogs is written by a mom who's daughter has autism. She posted once about her struggle between looking good to other mommies and treating her child the same in public as she would at home during a melt down. In short, she came to the conclusion that she had to care less about what other mommies thought. In the desire to look like a parent in control of her child she treated her daughter differently than she normally would and it actually hindered her progress. She changed that and found she was a much happier and effective mom.
In conclusion the real war isn't looking like a good mommy, it's being a good mommy.
*WARNING*
To be taken with a grain of salt. There are mothers and fathers out there struggling, who may be abusive either it be intentional or unintentional. In those cases we ought to step in. Be wise.
Good Luck in the mommy wars!
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