A Far Cry From Home: Part 1

Quasi Moto's home

Jenn always pictured the home she would start her marriage in as a sanctuary. When I say sanctuary, I am talking Quasie Moto-style sanctuary with massive pillars, high ceilings, maybe some gargoyles, and more than enough room to spare.  Jenn had been confined in a little room where the dog kept her company for months on end and that was just not going to happen after she got married.

 My ideas were far less grand. I am a minimalist at heart and was only looking for something that resembled the quarters of a well-seasoned sailor: compact, efficient, and economical. That was my dream for our first home. It would require us to efficiently use space and less room meant that Jenn would have to be closer to me.

After searching far and wide before our wedding, Jenn and I soon realized that there was some pretty obvious dog discrimination going on.

I rationalized with Jenn by comparing our situation to that of a hot air balloonist. “If you start going down, you gotta drop the sand bags…and then maybe some of the “heavier” and “less manageable” items” I explained.

“Jenn, what Im saying, is that Russell is weighing us down…”

She thought I was joking and kept searching for apartment. Just then two promising prospects popped up. Both were willing take on an obese dog.

Sailor’s Quarters

We went to the one and it easily fit my sailor’s dream. It was small, compact and functional. Even better, it was underground, and would keep us cool that summer. It was perfect! It had a newer design and a backyard taboot!

Cozy

But wouldn't you know it, where I was seeing a golden opportunity to live frugally and efficiently, Jenn saw a rabbit hole unfit for human habitation and it wasn't fitting the sanctuary mold. I tried everything to convince her that, said “rabbit hole” would bring us happiness and joy in our marriage. Maybe we could save up for our trip to Ireland, or get ready to run off to New Zealand. It was perfect and quaint.

It was all in vain. We left there to check out our other option and I was ready to put up a fight right when I heard about it. It was a 4 bedroom apartment from the 1920’s. It wasn’t matching my ideal home in the least bit.

Right when we walked in my stomach sank. Jenn was doing those silly twirls on the wood floor and I could tell she was seeing stars. The high ceilings, the space, the fungus-like bricks that covered the interior and exterior were twice as daunting as any gargoyles. In fact they resembled miniature birthing orcs in Isengard more than actual bricks.

Full-Grown Gargoyles

Gargoyles/orcs at Birth

Jenn was in love! She looked in the back yard which was a literal jungle of nasty weeds and overgrown trees. I knew she was going to use this to help me change my mind. She looked at me longingly and said “Juan look there is even a home for you and Russell!” as if I was going to be comfortable in the
weeds and bir bushes just because I was "outdoorsy".

Don't let the tulips deceive you

I ignored it and pointed out all of the cracks along the door that would for sure bring winter at the foot of our bed. Then I looked down and noticed the vinyl and realized that this home belonged in a horror film and not on craigslist.

God does answer Jenn’s prayers

Jenn was adamant about defending it though and went as far as to ask me to pray about it. She knew this was her only hope. I agreed as long as she would pray about the little home we had just visited. So there we sat in the car, waiting to find out who held the golden ticket.

After praying Jenn looked at me and asked “well, which one is it?” I wanted to yell out my first pick but my feelings were betraying me. I was being told to choose the wanna-be-sanctuary that Jenn wanted to consign our fates to.

 I held my breath and then yelled up into the heavens “Lord! You’re kidding me right!”

Before you call me a blasphemer, Im sure that Abraham did the same thing when the Lord told him to kill his only son. It just wasn’t written.

The next week we signed the papers for a year lease-- long enough to kill us all.

 The Horrors Begin

After a wonderful honeymoon, we came into the home to find that nothing was cleaned. I entered the house first and realized what a pizza feels like when it enters a brick oven. I was sweating bullets trying to get to the air conditioning but when I turned that puppy on, it spewed out recycled air from the outside. I feared for the worst as some fine white dust came out of the vents as well. I was sure it was anthrax so I hurried and shut the system down and never used it again that summer.

A dishwasher from the 60s that still didn’t work, cabinets that were strategically placed for a regular André the Giant, and wood floors that were crumbling underneath our feet, these were just the beginning to a wonderful adventure in Jenn’s sanctuary.

Where the Spirits Enter

 Pioneer Spirits

Aunt Kaye was one of the first to come over and the first thing that came out of her mouth was, “what a wonderful old home!  You can almost hear the pioneer spirits whispering through these walls” What followed was an uncomfortable meditation on what an eerie place this really was.

I soon learned to respect the pioneer spirits as we would hear them ripping through the cracks of our home.  Some might be tempted to call that the wind but one evening they even uprooted a tree in our side yard that almost took out our car--I knew it wasn't just the wind! I realized that doing genealogy might be a really good idea at this point.

Linoleum Black Foot Spore (Imagine what it could do to feet)

I was starting to feel like this wretched year lease was just a plot to kill us off! There were hidden terrors everywhere and the management company knew it. Slivers from the floor boards, spiders sneaking into cracks, toilet seats slipping off right when you are sitting down (that is for sure, one of the number one killers in America), and lastly there was the linoleum that had scared me from the beginning. If you went barefoot on it, you were for sure to come out with the Black Foot, a disease closely associated with the Black Death. The scary thing was that the linoleum was an off white color so we never knew where the black was coming from.

If we thought making it through the summer in that place was hard, winter proved to be near fatal…..
Photo Credits: Ray, L., Joanna, Maria